Abangan Si Combatron

Seryosong Usapan

Tumawag pala lola ko sa akin para sa isang seryosong usapan.

Kerk: Helo?
Mah: Helo Kay-an? (tawag yan sa akin ng lola ko) Eto sa'yo ko lang sasabihin 'to, kahit kanino wala pa akong napagsasabihan.
Kerk: ... (walang nasabi, medyo antok pa ako, pero parang seryoso ang sasabihin)
Mah: Ako, wala pa akong lupa, sa'yo ko lang sasabihin 'to. Pagnamatay na ako gusto ko ilibing dito ren sa amin.
Kerk: ... (medyo nawala antok ko pero wala pa ring nasabi)
Mah: Gusto ko kasi dito tanaw lang ung bahay.
Kerk: ... (sa bakuran??? sa tabi ng poso???) Ahh saan ho?
Mah: Dito sa likod, sa Holy Cross! (likod nga pala nila ung holycross cementery) Gusto ko dito ilibing para malapit lang sa bahay. kaya sa'yo ko ito nasabi para alam mo, siguro naman mababalitaan mo naman pag namatay na ako.
Kerk: (Anu ba namang usapan 'to, seryoso ba talaga 'to, isip ng masasabi...) Ah... gusto nyo ho ba i-crimate. I-crimate! Ung hong susunugin, para abo na lang.
Mah: Ayoko non gusto ko sa nitso lang. Sa'yo ko lang sinabi yan kahit sa Mommy mo o sa tita mo di ko sinasabi.
Kerk: (Naku naman baka multuhin pa ako pag nalimutan ko 'to) Ah sige ho.

Ang Narrator, Bow

Wala ba kayo magawa sa computer nyo sa opisina at gusto nyong matawa hanggang tignan kayo ng ka ofice mate mo.
Pwes gawin ang mga sumusunod (Para sa mga XP users):

1. Pumunta sa Start, All Programs, Accesibility I-click ang Narrator
2. Siguraduhing naka-On ang speaker ng Computer mo. Lalabas ang dialogue box ng Narrator, at maririnig mong magsasalita ang computer mo mismo.
3. Ayusin ang Settings ng Voice ayon sa nais mo o sa nakakatawang boses.
4. Sisimulang basahin ng computer ang anumang i-click mo (single click) o anumang nasa screen mo.
5. Para sa katatawanan gumawa ng text document sa Desktop (right click, new, text document) pangalanan ito ng nakakatawang tagalog na salita, example - masarap kumanta Ipabasa ito sa computer (single click, kung ayaw magclick sa iba tapos i-click muli)
6. Try gumawa ng tula, kanta, i-save sa notepad or Word at kapag na activate ang window nito babasahin nya mismo ang buong tula.
   

Putahe Ng Ina Mo

Naisip nyo na ba kung sino ang unang nakapag mura, ang ibig kong sabihin kung saan galing ung mga murang - putang ina, ulol, atbp? Iniisip ko kasi kung ginaya lang naten ang mga ito sa ibang bansa at tinranslate literally o sila ang nagtranslate nito at ginamit nila sa kanilang bansa? At ito po ang aking niresearch at pinag aksayahan ng oras.

putang ina/'tang ina - pinaikling bigkas sa puta ang ina, sa wikang ingles ang katumbas nito ay mother fucker; puta means babaeng bayarin kaya kapag sinabihan ka nito anak ka ng isang babaeng bayarin

ulol - fool; are you fool??? ulol ka ba???; ibig sabihin nito nasisiraan ka ba ng bait; crazy

gago/ gaga - stupid; may pagkatanga o hindi ginagamit ang utak; kaya kapag may nag aaway at nagsasabihan ng gago parang gramatically wrong ang pag gamit nila

tanga - stupid; see gago/gaga; mas madalas mabanggit ito sa kaunting pagkakamali ng isang tao at hindi na classified as mura

fuck - bihira na gamitin ng mga Pilipino ang direct translation nito - iisa pa lang ang narinig kong Pilipinong gumagamit ng direct translation nito (Janus) na "iyot"

shit - tae; mas madalas gamiting na lang ang salitang shit kaysa tae para mas desenteng pakinggan at sosyal

holy shit - banal na tae

bull shit - tae ng bull

punyeta - hindi ko alam kung mga bakla ba ang nakaimbento ng salitang ito (paki comment na lang ang may alam)

son of a bitch - bitch means inahing aso; sa wikang Tagalog ang katumbas nito ay putang ina sa dahilang inahahalintulad ang puta sa isang inahing aso na kung kanikaninong aso nagpapatira

anak ng... - madalas ay iba-iba ang karugtong ng "anak ng" i.e. anak ng tipaklong; ito ay may pagkakahawig sa son of a...

asshole - walang katumbas na salita sa Tagalog pero literally ass = pwet at hole = butas; kaya butas ng pwet, masyadong mahaba kaya hindi mo na lang ito sasabihin kapag may kaaway ka

dickhead - ulo ng titi

Sa mga nais magdagdag ng inyong mga nalalaman, maari kayong magcomment na lang sa post na ito. Malinaw?

Hindi Lahat

1. Hindi lahat ng kinakalabit gitara.
2. Hindi lahat ng binobomba poso.
3. Hindi lahat ng pinapasukan eskuwelahan.
4. Hindi lahat ng nilalabasan exit.
5. Hindi lahat ng binabayo palay.
6. Hindi lahat ng sinusubo kanin.
7. Hindi lahat ng may ugat puno.
8. Hindi lahat ng pinipisil pisngi.
9. HIndi lahat ng kinakambyo kambyo.
10. Hindi lahat ng tumitirik sasakyan.
11. Hindi lahat ng pisngi sa mukha.
12. Hindi lahat ng tumatayo may paa.
13. Hindi lahat ng may ulo tumatayo.
14. Hindi lahat ng bola tumatalbog.
15. Hindi lahat ng lumalamas panadero.
16. Hindi lahat ng itlog maputi.
17. Hindi lahat ng sinisilip baraha.
18. Hindi lahat ng sinisipsip straw.
19. Hindi lahat ng dinadaliri makinilya.
20. Hindi lahat ng binabati itlog.
21. Hindi lahat ng binibiyak niyog.
22. Hindi lahat ng sinasalat mahjong.
23. Hindi lahat ng mani maalat.
24. Pero lahat ng tao green-minded.

No Shit

Bert and Tony are in a locker room after their basketball game when Bert notices Tony has a cork in his ass.
"If you don't mind me asking, said Bert, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," answered Tony. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand, " said Bert.
Tony says, "I was a soldier in Iraq, and while I was walking along the desert, I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came out from the lamp. He said, 'I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish.' An I said, 'No shit!'

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, Escuse us for a few minutes, boys... we're going up to our room for a little while.
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents' bedroom is slightly open. He peeks in for a few minutes, runs downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who beat our butts just for sucking our thumbs!"

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather horny mood and figured how he will try to bring it out to his wife's attention. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in. "P... E... N... I... S..." His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: Password rejected. Not long enough.

An old man went for a check up and said, "Doc, I'd like you to examine me to see if I'm sexually fit."
"Very well," replied the doctor. "Let me see your sex organs, please."
And so, the old man showed his middle finger and his tongue!"

A filipino husband said to his American wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and will frame it."
The American wife said to her Filipino husband, "I will take a photo of your bird and will enlarge it!"

Spielberg Galit Sa Pinoy

A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg, who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Pinoy clashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the director.
Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?"
Spielberg ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you dickheads! My dad perished in that bombing!"
"Tangna! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Filipino!" Explained the Pinoy.
The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino... you are all the same!"
Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the direcotr flying halfway across the room.
"What's was that for?!" shouted the suprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.
"Dat's por da sinking of da Titanic! I had my grandpader on dat shif!" the Pinoy answered back.
"You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sank by an iceberg!" exclaimed by the director.
"Yah yah yah... iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you are ol da seym!"

Math-Tinik Sa Lalamunan