No Shit

Bert and Tony are in a locker room after their basketball game when Bert notices Tony has a cork in his ass.
"If you don't mind me asking, said Bert, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," answered Tony. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand, " said Bert.
Tony says, "I was a soldier in Iraq, and while I was walking along the desert, I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came out from the lamp. He said, 'I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish.' An I said, 'No shit!'

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, Escuse us for a few minutes, boys... we're going up to our room for a little while.
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents' bedroom is slightly open. He peeks in for a few minutes, runs downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who beat our butts just for sucking our thumbs!"

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather horny mood and figured how he will try to bring it out to his wife's attention. So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in. "P... E... N... I... S..." His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: Password rejected. Not long enough.

An old man went for a check up and said, "Doc, I'd like you to examine me to see if I'm sexually fit."
"Very well," replied the doctor. "Let me see your sex organs, please."
And so, the old man showed his middle finger and his tongue!"

A filipino husband said to his American wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and will frame it."
The American wife said to her Filipino husband, "I will take a photo of your bird and will enlarge it!"